One of the most surprising things I ever learned about myself is that I could be, in the words of one therapist I met with, a “control freak.” I did not know this. I did not know until I was decades into my life that when I didn’t want (or didn’t know how) to face and feel things that were overwhelming to me, I grasped at all manner of controlling things around me. I did things like making color organized Google calendars months in advance, I dictated the way my bathroom was supposed to be cleaned, I got very rigid about the way I ate (or didn’t eat) and I got opinionated about what the people around me should do, not do, or say to me. It’s humiliating. I had no idea.
I also learned that the ways I tried to defend myself when I was hurt could include: withdrawal, blaming, trying to teach with certainty, being reactive, scrolling endlessly through Instagram to distract me from what was happening, and drawing conclusions based on my own versions of things and judging accordingly. I thought I was for the most part loyal and loving. I thought I was encouraging. In my better moments I was each of those things, however it took unexpected searing life events to push me to see other things about myself I never had before seen.
The Iranian poet Khalil Gibran says that the deeper that sorrow carves into your being… the more joy you can contain. Studying psychology and functional medicine has helped me understand even more what my habits of sorrow – my control mechanisms - have carved into me. I have learned that I can control only one thing: my own choices.
Coaching helps clients identify the choices they've made, the choices they can make, and to not be alone as they walk out the journey of making new choices. If I can help you make the choices you've always wanted to, or identify the choices you don't know you are making or want to change, please reach out here.